Ever wonder what’s going on In your yoga teacher’s mind? Here are 24 things your yoga teacher is DYING to tell you. (But probably won’t.)
- Despite what every ill-informed medical professional tells you, not all yoga is good Just had a vertebra removed/ hernia operation/ six months pregnant and your doctor told you ‘yoga might help?’ Then this Power Vinyasa class is for you!
- When we say, ‘Notice any intense feelings in this pose and let them go,’ we mean ‘Stop looking at me like I’m Hitler!’
- Stop giggling when we say ‘perineum.’ Just think about the muscles of the pelvic floor: how would you describe them?
- You in the back, who keeps checking your cell phone, see the way you’re jamming your arms straight, crunching your lower back and throwing your head back? You know how my mouth was moving before? I was saying, ‘Don’t. Do. That.’
- Can’t do yoga because you’re ‘not flexible’? We admire you more than you realize just for turning up. Having said that, if you insist on contorting your body into the most advanced version of every pose ‘cause that’s real yoga,’ then send my love to your chiropractor.
- Like you, our Chakras aren’t always aligned. But when you’ve had a bad day, chances are you can hide behind your computer. When we’ve had a bad day we have to pray like a mother*** that we can let it go before our 5:30 class.
- 20% of yoga teachers came to yoga through anger management problems, 10% through injury rehabilitation, and the rest of us are raging control freaks trying to keep it in check.
- Most of the time we have absolutely NO IDEA what’s going on in your knee, shoulder, pinkie toe. Here’s a free tip: if something’s really pinching, don’t do it.
- If we drone on about ‘respecting others,’ it’s only because the two girls catching up on gossip in the back row are giving us the shits. That or we’re trying to tell the lady behind you that covering up her hastily smoked Marlboro Lights with lashings of J-Lo’s Dream isn’t working.
- Sure, we see you as a ‘whole person, beautiful in your completeness,’ but when you step onto the mat, we also see you as a collection of joints that are in or out of alignment. So when we manually adjust your pose, we’re really just helping you to align, not trying to pinch your bum. Promise.
- Wow, yes, do answer your texts during the forward bends. Did you come to yoga to just ‘chill, get some me time, y’know tune in?’ Then start by turning off your mutha-loving phone!
- We don’t like it when you leave before Savasana, for the same reason that Jamie doesn’t like you taking your lemon chicken out of the oven ten minutes early: you’re undercooked. And also, it’s really rude and disrupts the other students.
- No one cares what you wear. Having said that, those leggings are more see-through than you think.
- Like you, most of us can’t put our foot behind our head. And yet we have the gall to call ourselves yoga teachers. Go figure.
- In an average class, there’ll be a depressed person, a blissed-out person, and a one-bitten-fingernail-away-from-going-postal person. Some want to sweat, others want gentle coaxing. But if you think our class is “not as good as my other teacher, Satya’s,” know that it’s impossible to please everyone. (Oh and by the way, Satya’s real name is Karen.)
About the Author
Founded by Tracey Toomey McQuade and Joyce Englander Levy, Breathe Repeat bridges the gap between the ancient practices of yoga and life in the present moment. Breathe Repeat aims to help Modern Yogis navigate how to be spiritual beings in a material world. The curated content is always short and sweet, but it’s sure to elevate your soul and help you “put a little east in your west.”http://www.breatherepeat.com/.
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24 things your yoga teacher is dying to tell you